Translated into English by Barbara Blake
and then copy-edited by Sonia John
| Nicole is a girl of thirteen. Yet only two years she was a boy named Neils. He decided when still very young to change his gender. Together with his parents he decided to start living as a girl. Nicole feels herself a girl, and also goes out as a girl. But she will not be able to have her SRS operation until she is eighteen. |
Early Years
"It was a relief for us all, two years ago, when we got the result of the psychological investigation of Neils by the University Medical Center', says the mother of Nicole, in the living room of their Frisian home. "It was finally clear. Niels was still young, but felt that he was a girl. The medical word for her feelings was gender dysphoria. Finally there was an acknowledgement that Neils should be a girl. We could now openly talk about it. Even my husband, who had always felt strongly that Neils was a boy, reacted with 'Okay, then if it is so, it is so'.
Even when Niels was still very young The mother already noticed that he was
different from her other son. "He was a quiet, gentle, devoted child, and
kept to himself. When he was three years old, he wanted to be like his older
sister and wear her clothes and skirts." Despite the age difference - his
sister is eight years older, they always played nicely with each other. As a
toddler and at school he could always be found in the doll's corner! And for
his fifth birthday he wanted nothing but a Barbie doll. "I never found it
odd, or looked too deeply into it then. It seemed normal for Neils.
Investigation
When Niels was six he started talking about being a girl openly. He became anxious and began wetting himself at school and later at night in bed. His parents were concerned and took him to see a urologist. He did all sorts of investigations, but physically he could find nothing wrong. They tried changing everything around him to see if it would help, but the problems continued. When he was eight years old he had a psychological test, to see if there were other problems. The result was a complete surprise: "We feel that Niels would be happier as a girl." according to the psychologist of the investigation team. "We think that he is someone who may change sex and become a girl later, if he is allowed to follow his feelings.'
Girlish
The mother said "I was frightened to death at first. I did not know that such a
thing existed or was possible with a male child. My husband found it very
hard to accept. We said nothing to Niels at first. I began to observe him
very closely. I thought that maybe it was true, and then again: 'No, it
can't be!' During this period he always wanted to wear a skirt when he came
home from school. As soon as he got home, he went and put on a skirt. When
my husband came home, he would make Neils take the skirt off. He hated the
fact that my son liked to wear a skirt . He told Niels not to wear a skirt
again. But there were so many other things. I also tried to stop Neils from
playing in such a girlish manner, and to change his attitude too. He was so
girlish! What could I do about this?', I thought, and I became quite
desperate. I struggled with it for two years, and I even dared to tell some
of my good friends about it. They felt it was unusual behavior, but couldn't
tell me how to deal with it. However they always listened to me and let me
talk about it without censure."
Recognition
Recognition of the problem came when The mother saw a TV program about children
with transsexual feelings. "It was a shock of recognition. The young boys on
television were just like Neils and played happily with dolls and all sorts
of girls’ things. I realized then that I had to do something about it." Via
the organization Berdache (a self help group for parents of gender dysphoric
children in the Netherlands) she came into contact with Professor Cohen, a
specialist in this area. The mother made an appointment to see her. But her
doubts still remained :' Was this right for Neils?'
Looking at
Photos
We looked at photographs as The mother stood to serve the coffee. In came two
girls together. It was Nicole and her sister Ciska (21). They sat down on
the settee. Nicole had her long blond hair in a pony tail. She was dressed
in jeans and a white sweater; a sports-loving girl of thirteen, with a small
amount of eye shadow on. The photograph album was put on the table. "Look at
it ", says Nicole, "these were taken when I was only four ". She showed us a
photograph of a small young blonde. Ciska leafs through the photographs
further. She begins to laugh. "And here is Nicole! When you married Mimi,
the cuddly bear, and I performed the marriage as the civil registrar. And
here... in your favorite blue skirt. My skirt!', she adds . Nicole' s face
lit up at this: "That was such beautiful skirt, as I turned around it
twirled around so wonderfully!"
Wanting To
Skip Rope
Niels was ten years old when he and his parents had their first appointment
with Professor Cohen. The mother told the professor that Niels had always behaved
very girlishly and always played with girls’ toys. Nicole: "For me was it
quite normal. I never thought: I am different from other boys. I normally
found it nicer to play with girls and play girls’ games." At school, he
spent all his time with the girls, and at break times he would skip rope
with them. "Nobody found that odd or looked strangely upon it." Ciska: "I
began to think about Niels. I knew a homosexual boy in my class. 'He, I
thought, was rather like my brother, having a tenderness, a dear and gentle
manner of behavior that was very different from most other boys."
Pieces of
the puzzle!
Then there was an extended psychological investigation. Four times Niels and
his parents returned to the University. The final results confirmed their
suspicions. The mother: "Professor Cohen told us that although Niels was still
very young, he himself felt that he was actually a girl and knew that he did
not feel like other boys." His parents, like Niels, had started to see the
pieces of the puzzle falling into place for them. Nicole: "Then at last I
began to understand completely. The bed wetting had happened because I
myself did not feel right as a boy. At school, I became irritated quite
quickly. I could not be the girl I wanted to be. It was awful as I think
about it now. In the back of my head I had the idea: I cannot be myself. At
home I could escape the name calling, and unpleasantness, and I found that
it was not totally silly when I dressed myself as a girl, or when I played
with Barbies on my bed. It was only at school that I felt that I had to
restrain myself, so that other boys did not think me too odd, when I talked
to the girls about girls' matters".
Partners in
adversity!
After the results of the psychological examination became known things moved
quite quickly. Nicole was then eleven. They went to a meeting of the
Berdache organization. The mother: "When we got there, Neils’ eyes almost popped
out, because there were lots of other children like him." Ciska: "I was also
with him and stood looking open mouthed. 'Oh yes', I thought, that girl is
actually a boy and that boy is actually a girl. There was finally a name for
Neils’ situation - and only then I began to realize that there were many
children like this and that it was not so unusual. During that day Niels
played with other children, and made contact with others his age. The next
day he was reluctant to go to school as a boy. But he did, and when he came
home he told me that he was so sad that he had cried at school today. Then
he said, "Yesterday (at the Berdache group) I could totally be myself for
the first time".
The Awkward
Bit!
Niels wanted to tell everyone at school how he felt, but was nervous about
doing it. The mother spoke to the headmistress of the school personally. She
suggested that it would be best to tell the parents of the children first so
that they could tell their children at home sensibly. So during a parents’
evening Neils’ desire to become a girl was publicly mentioned. The mother tells
the story: "After the announcement it was deathly quiet. I stood with my
hands sweating. Then two parents began to clap: How brave of you to tell us
this publicly' was their reaction. The next day someone else's mother
brought me an apple cake. I never myself felt ashamed for Niels. I was only
fearful of him not being understood and accepted. It is only me who really
understands about him', I always thought. I didn’t know whether people would
just think this was none of their affair, or, on the other hand, whether
they would think that a child’s gender is clear at birth and should not be
changed.
To clear the air about this she wrote a letter, which was printed in the
church newsletter. This got very positive reactions. The mother: "Niels has
sometimes played the saxophone during a youth service. Sometimes he pinned
his hair up girlishly or wore a piece of jewelry. I always felt very
uncomfortable about this. I could feel the men all thinking: what mother
would let her son look so girlish and feminine! Now that they knew about
him, and that it was not just a silly whim, I felt so much better."
From Neils
To Nicole
The children in the class also reacted positively when Neils told everyone
that he was really a girl. He had lots of questions from his classmates.
Some had suspected something all along. Now it is fully accepted.
Immediately after that, Neils rushed out to buy the first girls’ clothes of
his own. Nicole: "It was a waistcoat and a short sweater dress adorned with
flowers." He also started to grow his hair and chose a girl's name: Nicole.
"It was hard to remember to use her new name at first", says The
mother, "it felt
so strange." I once called her: "Hé, Nicolleke", for a joke. My husband
often made mistakes. Soon after this, I decided that it was time for all the
church to see the new 'Nicole' During the summer holiday we planned to spend
two weeks staying in a friend’s house. There she could finally be Nicole, a
real girl. 'This is me” she said! She got a lot of admiration and
compliments on her feminine appearance and behavior!
