X-Spam-Status: No, score=1.0 required=5.0 tests=BAYES_50 autolearn=no version=3.2.0-r431796 Sender: 1.0 (spamval) -- NONE Return-Path: Received: from newman.eecs.umich.edu (newman.eecs.umich.edu [141.213.4.11]) by boston.eecs.umich.edu (8.12.10/8.13.0) with ESMTP id l1E9MiGc029689 (version=TLSv1/SSLv3 cipher=DHE-RSA-AES256-SHA bits=256 verify=FAIL) for ; Wed, 14 Feb 2007 04:22:44 -0500 Received: from serenity.mr.itd.umich.edu (mx.umich.edu [141.211.14.136]) by newman.eecs.umich.edu (8.13.8/8.13.6) with ESMTP id l1E9Mfmg008309; Wed, 14 Feb 2007 04:22:41 -0500 Received: FROM newman.eecs.umich.edu (newman.eecs.umich.edu [141.213.4.11]) BY serenity.mr.itd.umich.edu ID 45D2D4DD.3D9D.27781 ; 14 Feb 2007 04:22:37 -0500 Received: from boston.eecs.umich.edu (boston.eecs.umich.edu [141.213.4.61]) by newman.eecs.umich.edu (8.13.8/8.13.6) with ESMTP id l1E9MXl7008290 (version=TLSv1/SSLv3 cipher=DHE-RSA-AES256-SHA bits=256 verify=FAIL) for ; Wed, 14 Feb 2007 04:22:33 -0500 Received: from boston.eecs.umich.edu (localhost.eecs.umich.edu [127.0.0.1]) by boston.eecs.umich.edu (8.12.10/8.13.0) with ESMTP id l1E9MWGc029684 (version=TLSv1/SSLv3 cipher=DHE-RSA-AES256-SHA bits=256 verify=NO) for ; Wed, 14 Feb 2007 04:22:32 -0500 Received: from localhost (dreeves Æ localhost) by boston.eecs.umich.edu (8.12.10/8.12.9/Submit) with ESMTP id l1E9MWt0029681 for ; Wed, 14 Feb 2007 04:22:32 -0500 X-Authentication-Warning: boston.eecs.umich.edu: dreeves owned process doing -bs X-X-Sender: dreeves Æ boston.eecs.umich.edu In-Reply-To: Message-ID: References: <1acf35a70702132328y5d0c159udd7cfcd8b983a6f1 Æ mail.gmail.com> MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: MULTIPART/MIXED; BOUNDARY="-712164092-1662961797-1171444952=:7360" X-Spam-Level: * X-Spam-Checker-Version: SpamAssassin 3.2.0-r431796 (2006-08-16) on newman.eecs.umich.edu X-Virus-Scan: : UVSCAN at UoM/EECS X-Virus-Scan: : UVSCAN at UoM/EECS Date: Wed, 14 Feb 2007 04:22:32 -0500 (EST) To: improvetheworld Æ umich.edu From: Daniel Reeves Subject: Re: how not to talk to your kids Status: O X-Status: X-Keywords: X-UID: 939 This message is in MIME format. The first part should be readable text, while the remaining parts are likely unreadable without MIME-aware tools. ---712164092-1662961797-1171444952=:7360 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=X-UNKNOWN; format=flowed Content-Transfer-Encoding: QUOTED-PRINTABLE Also, I take back everything good I said about gmail. I used it to send=20 this article since pine loses non-ascii text when you paste it in (fancy=20 apostrophes and such). Gmail did much worse, eating newlines.=20 Unacceptable! Here's the non-mangled url to the article: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ Take home message again: Do not tell your kids they are smart. (Praise them for hard work.) Do not praise them constantly. (They'll become praise junkies and=20 be frustrated when rewards aren't immediate.) > On Wed, 14 Feb 2007, Daniel Reeves wrote: > >> I found this enlightening: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/Take hom= e=20 >> message:Do not tell your kids they are smart. (Praise them for hard=20 >> work.)Do not praise them constantly. (They'll become praise junkies and= =20 >> befrustrated when rewards aren't immediate.) >> Full text: >> How Not to Talk to Your KidsThe Inverse Power of Praise. >> * By Po Bronson >>=20 >> What do we make of a boy like Thomas? >> Thomas (his middle name) is a fifth-grader at the highly competitiveP.S.= =20 >> 334, the Anderson School on West 84th. Slim as they get, Thomasrecently = had=20 >> his long sandy-blond hair cut short to look like the newJames Bond (he t= ook=20 >> a photo of Daniel Craig to the barber). UnlikeBond, he prefers a uniform= of=20 >> cargo pants and a T-shirt emblazonedwith a photo of one of his heroes:= =20 >> Frank Zappa. Thomas hangs out withfive friends from the Anderson School.= =20 >> They are "the smart kids."Thomas's one of them, and he likes belonging. >> Since Thomas could walk, he has heard constantly that he's smart. Notjus= t=20 >> from his parents but from any adult who has come in contact withthis=20 >> precocious child. When he applied to Anderson for kindergarten,his=20 >> intelligence was statistically confirmed. The school is reservedfor the = top=20 >> one percent of all applicants, and an IQ test is required.Thomas didn't= =20 >> just score in the top one percent. He scored in the topone percent of th= e=20 >> top one percent. >> But as Thomas has progressed through school, this self-awareness thathe'= s=20 >> smart hasn't always translated into fearless confidence whenattacking hi= s=20 >> schoolwork. In fact, Thomas's father noticed just theopposite. "Thomas= =20 >> didn't want to try things he wouldn't be successfulat," his father says.= =20 >> "Some things came very quickly to him, but whenthey didn't, he gave up= =20 >> almost immediately, concluding, 'I'm not goodat this.'" With no more tha= n a=20 >> glance, Thomas was dividing the worldinto twothings he was naturally goo= d=20 >> at and things he wasn't. >> For instance, in the early grades, Thomas wasn't very good atspelling, s= o=20 >> he simply demurred from spelling out loud. When Thomastook his first loo= k=20 >> at fractions, he balked. The biggest hurdle camein third grade. He was= =20 >> supposed to learn cursive penmanship, but hewouldn't even try for weeks.= By=20 >> then, his teacher was demandinghomework be completed in cursive. Rather= =20 >> than play catch-up on hispenmanship, Thomas refused outright. Thomas's= =20 >> father tried to reasonwith him. "Look, just because you're smart doesn't= =20 >> mean you don't haveto put out some effort." (Eventually, he mastered=20 >> cursive, but notwithout a lot of cajoling from his father.) >> Why does this child, who is measurably at the very top of the charts,lac= k=20 >> confidence about his ability to tackle routine school challenges? >> Thomas is not alone. For a few decades, it's been noted that a=20 >> largepercentage of all gifted students (those who score in the top=20 >> 10percent on aptitude tests) severely underestimate their own=20 >> abilities.Those afflicted with this lack of perceived competence adopt= =20 >> lowerstandards for success and expect less of themselves. They underrate= the=20 >> importance of effort, and they overrate how much help they needfrom a=20 >> parent. >> When parents praise their children's intelligence, they believe theyare= =20 >> providing the solution to this problem. According to a surveyconducted b= y=20 >> Columbia University, 85 percent of American parents thinkit's important = to=20 >> tell their kids that they're smart. In and aroundthe New York area,=20 >> according to my own (admittedly nonscientific)poll, the number is more l= ike=20 >> 100 percent. Everyone does it,habitually. The constant praise is meant t= o=20 >> be an angel on theshoulder, ensuring that children do not sell their=20 >> talents short. >> But a growing body of researchand a new study from the trenches ofthe Ne= w=20 >> York public-school systemstrongly suggests it might be theother way arou= nd.=20 >> Giving kids the label of "smart" does not preventthem from underperformi= ng.=20 >> It might actually be causing it. >> For the past ten years, psychologist Carol Dweck and her team atColumbia= =20 >> (she's now at Stanford) studied the effect of praise onstudents in a doz= en=20 >> New York schools. Her seminal worka series ofexperiments on 400=20 >> fifth-graderspaints the picture most clearly. >> Dweck sent four female research assistants into New York=20 >> fifth-gradeclassrooms. The researchers would take a single child out of= =20 >> theclassroom for a nonverbal IQ test consisting of a series=20 >> ofpuzzlespuzzles easy enough that all the children would do fairlywell.= =20 >> Once the child finished the test, the researchers told eachstudent his= =20 >> score, then gave him a single line of praise. Randomlydivided into group= s,=20 >> some were praised for their intelligence. Theywere told, "You must be sm= art=20 >> at this." Other students were praisedfor their effort: "You must have=20 >> worked really hard." >> Why just a single line of praise? "We wanted to see how sensitivechildre= n=20 >> were," Dweck explained. "We had a hunch that one line mightbe enough to = see=20 >> an effect." >> Then the students were given a choice of test for the second round.One= =20 >> choice was a test that would be more difficult than the first, butthe=20 >> researchers told the kids that they'd learn a lot from attemptingthe=20 >> puzzles. The other choice, Dweck's team explained, was an easytest, just= =20 >> like the first. Of those praised for their effort, 90percent chose the= =20 >> harder set of puzzles. Of those praised for theirintelligence, a majorit= y=20 >> chose the easy test. The "smart" kids tookthe cop-out. >> Why did this happen? "When we praise children for their intelligence,"Dw= eck=20 >> wrote in her study summary, "we tell them that this is the nameof the ga= me:=20 >> Look smart, don't risk making mistakes." And that's whatthe fifth-grader= s=20 >> had done: They'd chosen to look smart and avoid therisk of being=20 >> embarrassed. >> In a subsequent round, none of the fifth-graders had a choice. Thetest w= as=20 >> difficult, designed for kids two years ahead of their gradelevel.=20 >> Predictably, everyone failed. But again, the two groups ofchildren, divi= ded=20 >> at random at the study's start, respondeddifferently. Those praised for= =20 >> their effort on the first test assumedthey simply hadn't focused hard=20 >> enough on this test. "They got veryinvolved, willing to try every soluti= on=20 >> to the puzzles," Dweckrecalled. "Many of them remarked, unprovoked, 'Thi= s=20 >> is my favoritetest.'" Not so for those praised for their smarts. They=20 >> assumed theirfailure was evidence that they weren't really smart at all.= =20 >> "Justwatching them, you could see the strain. They were sweating=20 >> andmiserable." >> Having artificially induced a round of failure, Dweck's researchersthen= =20 >> gave all the fifth-graders a final round of tests that wereengineered to= be=20 >> as easy as the first round. Those who had beenpraised for their effort= =20 >> significantly improved on their firstscoreby about 30 percent. Those who= 'd=20 >> been told they were smart didworse than they had at the very beginningby= =20 >> about 20 percent. >> Dweck had suspected that praise could backfire, but even she wassurprise= d=20 >> by the magnitude of the effect. "Emphasizing effort gives achild a varia= ble=20 >> that they can control," she explains. "They come tosee themselves as in= =20 >> control of their success. Emphasizing naturalintelligence takes it out o= f=20 >> the child's control, and it provides nogood recipe for responding to a= =20 >> failure." >> In follow-up interviews, Dweck discovered that those who think thatinnat= e=20 >> intelligence is the key to success begin to discount theimportance of=20 >> effort. I am smart, the kids' reasoning goes; I don'tneed to put out=20 >> effort. Expending effort becomes stigmatizedit'spublic proof that you ca= n't=20 >> cut it on your natural gifts. >> Repeating her experiments, Dweck found this effect of praise onperforman= ce=20 >> held true for students of every socioeconomic class. Ithit both boys and= =20 >> girlsthe very brightest girls especially (theycollapsed the most followi= ng=20 >> failure). Even preschoolers weren'timmune to the inverse power of praise= =2E >> Jill Abraham is a mother of three in Scarsdale, and her view istypical o= f=20 >> those in my straw poll. I told her about Dweck's researchon praise, and = she=20 >> flatly wasn't interested in brief tests withoutlong-term follow-up. Abra= ham=20 >> is one of the 85 percent who thinkpraising her children's intelligence i= s=20 >> important. Her kids arethriving, so she's proved that praise works in th= e=20 >> real world. "Idon't care what the experts say," Jill says defiantly. "I'= m=20 >> livingit." >> Even those who've accepted the new research on praise have troubleputtin= g=20 >> it into practice. Sue Needleman is both a mother of two and=20 >> anelementary-school teacher with eleven years' experience. Last year,she= =20 >> was a fourth-grade teacher at Ridge Ranch Elementary in Paramus,New Jers= ey.=20 >> She has never heard of Carol Dweck, but the gist ofDweck's research has= =20 >> trickled down to her school, and Needleman haslearned to say, "I like ho= w=20 >> you keep trying." She tries to keep herpraise specific, rather than=20 >> general, so that a child knows exactlywhat she did to earn the praise (a= nd=20 >> thus can get more). She willoccasionally tell a child, "You're good at= =20 >> math," but she'll nevertell a child he's bad at math. >> But that's at school, as a teacher. At home, old habits die hard.=20 >> Her8-year-old daughter and her 5-year-old son are indeed smart,=20 >> andsometimes she hears herself saying, "You're great. You did it.=20 >> You'resmart." When I press her on this, Needleman says that what comes= =20 >> outof academia often feels artificial. "When I read the mock dialogues,m= y=20 >> first thought is, Oh, please. How corny." >> No such qualms exist for teachers at the Life Sciences SecondarySchool i= n=20 >> East Harlem, because they've seen Dweck's theories appliedto their=20 >> junior-high students. Last week, Dweck and her prot=E9g=E9e, LisaBlackwe= ll,=20 >> published a report in the academic journal ChildDevelopment about the=20 >> effect of a semester-long intervention conductedto improve students' mat= h=20 >> scores. >> Life Sciences is a health-science magnet school with high aspirationsbut= =20 >> 700 students whose main attributes are being predominantlyminority and l= ow=20 >> achieving. Blackwell split her kids into two groupsfor an eight-session= =20 >> workshop. The control group was taught studyskills, and the others got= =20 >> study skills and a special module on howintelligence is not innate. Thes= e=20 >> students took turns reading aloud anessay on how the brain grows new=20 >> neurons when challenged. They sawslides of the brain and acted out skits= =2E=20 >> "Even as I was teaching theseideas," Blackwell noted, "I would hear the= =20 >> students joking, callingone another 'dummy' or 'stupid.'" After the modu= le=20 >> was concluded,Blackwell tracked her students' grades to see if it had an= y=20 >> effect. >> It didn't take long. The teacherswho hadn't known which students hadbeen= =20 >> assigned to which workshopcould pick out the students who hadbeen taught= =20 >> that intelligence can be developed. They improved theirstudy habits and= =20 >> grades. In a single semester, Blackwell reversed thestudents' longtime= =20 >> trend of decreasing math grades. >> The only difference between the control group and the test group weretwo= =20 >> lessons, a total of 50 minutes spent teaching not math but asingle idea:= =20 >> that the brain is a muscle. Giving it a harder workoutmakes you smarter.= =20 >> That alone improved their math scores. >> "These are very persuasive findings," says Columbia's Dr. GeraldineDowne= y,=20 >> a specialist in children's sensitivity to rejection. "Theyshow how you c= an=20 >> take a specific theory and develop a curriculum thatworks." Downey's=20 >> comment is typical of what other scholars in thefield are saying. Dr.=20 >> Mahzarin Banaji, a Harvard social psychologistwho is an expert in=20 >> stereotyping, told me, "Carol Dweck is a flat-outgenius. I hope the work= is=20 >> taken seriously. It scares people when theysee these results." >> Since the 1969 publication of The Psychology of Self-Esteem, in=20 >> whichNathaniel Branden opined that self-esteem was the single mostimport= ant=20 >> facet of a person, the belief that one must do whatever hecan to achieve= =20 >> positive self-esteem has become a movement with broadsocietal effects.= =20 >> Anything potentially damaging to kids' self-esteemwas axed. Competitions= =20 >> were frowned upon. Soccer coaches stoppedcounting goals and handed out= =20 >> trophies to everyone. Teachers threw outtheir red pencils. Criticism was= =20 >> replaced with ubiquitous, evenundeserved, praise. >> Dweck and Blackwell's work is part of a larger academic challenge toone = of=20 >> the self-esteem movement's key tenets: that praise,self-esteem, and=20 >> performance rise and fall together. From 1970 to2000, there were over=20 >> 15,000 scholarly articles written on self-esteemand its relationship to= =20 >> everythingfrom sex to career advancement. Butresults were often=20 >> contradictory or inconclusive. So in 2003 theAssociation for Psychologic= al=20 >> Science asked Dr. Roy Baumeister, then aleading proponent of self-esteem= ,=20 >> to review this literature. His teamconcluded that self-esteem was pollut= ed=20 >> with flawed science. Only 200of those 15,000 studies met their rigorous= =20 >> standards. >> After reviewing those 200 studies, Baumeister concluded that havinghigh= =20 >> self-esteem didn't improve grades or career achievement. Itdidn't even= =20 >> reduce alcohol usage. And it especially did not lowerviolence of any sor= t.=20 >> (Highly aggressive, violent people happen tothink very highly of=20 >> themselves, debunking the theory that people areaggressive to make up fo= r=20 >> low self-esteem.) At the time, Baumeisterwas quoted as saying that his= =20 >> findings were "the biggestdisappointment of my career." >> Now he's on Dweck's side of the argument, and his work is going in asimi= lar=20 >> direction: He will soon publish an article showing that forcollege stude= nts=20 >> on the verge of failing in class, esteem-buildingpraise causes their gra= des=20 >> to sink further. Baumeister has come tobelieve the continued appeal of= =20 >> self-esteem is largely tied toparents' pride in their children's=20 >> achievements: It's so strong that"when they praise their kids, it's not= =20 >> that far from praisingthemselves." >> By and large, the literature on praise shows that it can beeffectivea=20 >> positive, motivating force. In one study, University ofNotre Dame=20 >> researchers tested praise's efficacy on a losing collegehockey team. The= =20 >> experiment worked: The team got into the playoffs.But all praise is not= =20 >> equaland, as Dweck demonstrated, the effects ofpraise can vary=20 >> significantly depending on the praise given. To beeffective, researchers= =20 >> have found, praise needs to be specific. (Thehockey players were=20 >> specifically complimented on the number of timesthey checked an opponent= =2E) >> Sincerity of praise is also crucial. Just as we can sniff out the=20 >> truemeaning of a backhanded compliment or a disingenuous apology,childre= n,=20 >> too, scrutinize praise for hidden agendas. Only youngchildrenunder the a= ge=20 >> of 7take praise at face value: Older childrenare just as suspicious of i= t=20 >> as adults. >> Psychologist Wulf-Uwe Meyer, a pioneer in the field, conducted aseries o= f=20 >> studies where children watched other students receivepraise. According t= o=20 >> Meyer's findings, by the age of 12, childrenbelieve that earning praise= =20 >> from a teacher is not a sign you didwellit's actually a sign you lack=20 >> ability and the teacher thinks youneed extra encouragement. And teens,= =20 >> Meyer found, discounted praise tosuch an extent that they believed it's = a=20 >> teacher's criticismnotpraise at allthat really conveys a positive belief= in=20 >> a student'saptitude. >> In the opinion of cognitive scientist Daniel T. Willingham, a teacherwho= =20 >> praises a child may be unwittingly sending the message that thestudent= =20 >> reached the limit of his innate ability, while a teacher whocriticizes a= =20 >> pupil conveys the message that he can improve hisperformance even furthe= r. >> New York University professor of psychiatry Judith Brook explains thatth= e=20 >> issue for parents is one of credibility. "Praise is important, butnot=20 >> vacuous praise," she says. "It has to be based on a realthingsome skill = or=20 >> talent they have." Once children hear praise theyinterpret as meritless,= =20 >> they discount not just the insincere praise,but sincere praise as well. >> Scholars from Reed College and Stanford reviewed over 150 praisestudies.= =20 >> Their meta-analysis determined that praised students becomerisk-averse a= nd=20 >> lack perceived autonomy. The scholars found consistentcorrelations betwe= en=20 >> a liberal use of praise and students' "shortertask persistence, more=20 >> eye-checking with the teacher, and inflectedspeech such that answers hav= e=20 >> the intonation of questions." >> Dweck's research on overpraised kids strongly suggests that=20 >> imagemaintenance becomes their primary concernthey are more competitivea= nd=20 >> more interested in tearing others down. A raft of very alarmingstudies= =20 >> illustrate this. >> In one, students are given two puzzle tests. Between the first and=20 >> thesecond, they are offered a choice between learning a new puzzlestrate= gy=20 >> for the second test or finding out how they did compared withother stude= nts=20 >> on the first test: They have only enough time to do oneor the other.=20 >> Students praised for intelligence choose to find outtheir class rank,=20 >> rather than use the time to prepare. >> In another, students get a do-it-yourself report card and are toldthese= =20 >> forms will be mailed to students at another schoolthey'll nevermeet thes= e=20 >> students and don't know their names. Of the kids praisedfor their=20 >> intelligence, 40 percent lie, inflating their scores. Of thekids praised= =20 >> for effort, few lie. >> When students transition into junior high, some who'd done well=20 >> inelementary school inevitably struggle in the larger and more=20 >> demandingenvironment. Those who equated their earlier success with their= =20 >> innateability surmise they've been dumb all along. Their grades=20 >> neverrecover because the likely key to their recoveryincreasingeffortthe= y=20 >> view as just further proof of their failure. In interviewsmany confess t= hey=20 >> would "seriously consider cheating." >> Students turn to cheating because they haven't developed a strategyfor= =20 >> handling failure. The problem is compounded when a parent ignoresa child= 's=20 >> failures and insists he'll do better next time. Michiganscholar Jennifer= =20 >> Crocker studies this exact scenario and explains thatthe child may come = to=20 >> believe failure is something so terrible, thefamily can't acknowledge it= s=20 >> existence. A child deprived of theopportunity to discuss mistakes can't= =20 >> learn from them. >> My son, Luke, is in kindergarten. He seems supersensitive to thepotentia= l=20 >> judgment of his peers. Luke justifies it by saying, "I'mshy," but he's n= ot=20 >> really shy. He has no fear of strange cities ortalking to strangers, and= at=20 >> his school, he has sung in front of largeaudiences. Rather, I'd say he's= =20 >> proud and self-conscious. His schoolhas simple uniforms (navy T-shirt, n= avy=20 >> pants), and he loves that hischoice of clothes can't be ridiculed, "beca= use=20 >> then they'd be teasingthemselves too." >> After reading Carol Dweck's research, I began to alter how I praisedhim,= =20 >> but not completely. I suppose my hesitation was that the mind-setDweck= =20 >> wants students to havea firm belief that the way to bounce backfrom fail= ure=20 >> is to work hardersounds awfully clich=E9d: Try, try again. >> But it turns out that the ability to repeatedly respond to failure=20 >> byexerting more effortinstead of simply giving upis a trait wellstudied = in=20 >> psychology. People with this trait, persistence, reboundwell and can=20 >> sustain their motivation through long periods of delayedgratification.= =20 >> Delving into this research, I learned that persistenceturns out to be mo= re=20 >> than a conscious act of will; it's also anunconscious response, governed= by=20 >> a circuit in the brain. Dr. RobertCloninger at Washington University in = St.=20 >> Louis located the circuit ina part of the brain called the orbital and= =20 >> medial prefrontal cortex.It monitors the reward center of the brain, and= =20 >> like a switch, itintervenes when there's a lack of immediate reward. Whe= n=20 >> it switcheson, it's telling the rest of the brain, "Don't stop trying.= =20 >> There'sdopa [the brain's chemical reward for success] on the horizon."= =20 >> Whileputting people through MRI scans, Cloninger could see this=20 >> switchlighting up regularly in some. In others, barely at all. >> What makes some people wired to have an active circuit? >> Cloninger has trained rats and mice in mazes to have persistence=20 >> bycarefully not rewarding them when they get to the finish. "The key=20 >> isintermittent reinforcement," says Cloninger. The brain has to learntha= t=20 >> frustrating spells can be worked through. "A person who grows upgetting = too=20 >> frequent rewards will not have persistence, becausethey'll quit when the= =20 >> rewards disappear." >> That sold me. I'd thought "praise junkie" was just an=20 >> expressionbutsuddenly, it seemed as if I could be setting up my son's br= ain=20 >> for anactual chemical need for constant reward. >> What would it mean, to give up praising our children so often? Well,if I= am=20 >> one example, there are stages of withdrawal, each of themsubtle. In the= =20 >> first stage, I fell off the wagon around other parentswhen they were bus= y=20 >> praising their kids. I didn't want Luke to feelleft out. I felt like a= =20 >> former alcoholic who continues to drinksocially. I became a Social Prais= er. >> Then I tried to use the specific-type praise that Dweck recommends.=20 >> Ipraised Luke, but I attempted to praise his "process." This was easiers= aid=20 >> than done. What are the processes that go on in a 5-year-old'smind? In m= y=20 >> impression, 80 percent of his brain processes lengthyscenarios for his= =20 >> action figures. >> But every night he has math homework and is supposed to read a phonicsbo= ok=20 >> aloud. Each takes about five minutes if he concentrates, but he'seasily= =20 >> distracted. So I praised him for concentrating without askingto take a= =20 >> break. If he listened to instructions carefully, I praisedhim for that.= =20 >> After soccer games, I praised him for looking to pass,rather than just= =20 >> saying, "You played great." And if he worked hard toget to the ball, I= =20 >> praised the effort he applied. >> Just as the research promised, this focused praise helped him seestrateg= ies=20 >> he could apply the next day. It was remarkable hownoticeably effective t= his=20 >> new form of praise was. >> Truth be told, while my son was getting along fine under the newpraise= =20 >> regime, it was I who was suffering. It turns out that I was thereal prai= se=20 >> junkie in the family. Praising him for just a particularskill or task fe= lt=20 >> like I left other parts of him ignored andunappreciated. I recognized th= at=20 >> praising him with the universal"You're greatI'm proud of you" was a way = I=20 >> expressed unconditionallove. >> Offering praise has become a sort of panacea for the anxieties ofmodern= =20 >> parenting. Out of our children's lives from breakfast todinner, we turn = it=20 >> up a notch when we get home. In those few hourstogether, we want them to= =20 >> hear the things we can't say during thedayWe are in your corner, we are= =20 >> here for you, we believe in you. >> In a similar way, we put our children in high-pressure environments,seek= ing=20 >> out the best schools we can find, then we use the constantpraise to soft= en=20 >> the intensity of those environments. We expect somuch of them, but we hi= de=20 >> our expectations behind constant glowingpraise. The duplicity became=20 >> glaring to me. >> Eventually, in my final stage of praise withdrawal, I realized thatnot= =20 >> telling my son he was smart meant I was leaving it up to him tomake his = own=20 >> conclusion about his intelligence. Jumping in with praiseis like jumping= in=20 >> too soon with the answer to a homework problemitrobs him of the chance t= o=20 >> make the deduction himself. >> But what if he makes the wrong conclusion? >> Can I really leave this up to him, at his age? >> I'm still an anxious parent. This morning, I tested him on the way=20 >> toschool: "What happens to your brain, again, when it gets to thinkabout= =20 >> something hard?" >> "It gets bigger, like a muscle," he responded, having aced this one befo= re. >> -- http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/dreeves - - search://"Daniel Reeves= " >>=20 > --=20 http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/dreeves - - search://"Daniel Reeves" "When you're swimming in a creek, And an eel bites your cheek-- That's a moray!" ---712164092-1662961797-1171444952=:7360--