Anna

Anna's Story

Anna (Germany, Australia)

Professor of Music, Soloist and Recording Artist,

Chamber Musician and Early Music Specialist

I was born in Australia in a small country town and in my youth was offered scholarships to study in either art or music. I chose music and decided to continue drawing, painting and pottery as a hobby.

As a classically trained musician, and because of my versatility in many styles, I have held various orchestral and lecturing positions in Australia and Europe while simultaneously building a career as a soloist and chamber musician, teacher and clinician on modern and historic trumpet playing. I also have the pleasure of conducting and directing professional baroque ensembles and brass ensembles. Every summer I give a course in consecutive weeks in the luxury of the Swiss Alps on trumpet and didgeridoo playing (alphorn is optional).

I am currently Professor of Trumpet and Brass Chamber Music at one of Germany’s largest tertiary music institutions. My teaching duties include classical and baroque trumpet lessons for study in orchestral and solo literature and instrumental pedagogy as well as conducting and training ensembles. I was also elected as an active member of the School Council and Board of Studies. My interest in new techniques on how to learn the trumpet in a holistic way led me to write two books, the first method for the natural trumpet since 1795 and the other on modern brass playing techniques in general, with special emphasis on psychology, diet and fitness.

Specializing in baroque trumpet playing has gained me an international reputation for the interpretation of music from the 17th and 18th centuries on which I have published several music editions and made various solo CD recordings.

I am a regular member of foremost baroque ensembles in Europe and give solo and chamber music concerts, as well as lectures and masterclasses throughout the USA, Canada, Japan, New Zealand and Australia.

So much for what I have done and am currently doing in my professional life.

That’s it, that’s my life, so let’s now look at the things that really count.

I don’t consider my greatest successes are in what I have achieved outwardly. My personal success is in finally becoming the person that was born inside my soul. What more could I want, at the same time feeling happy and at peace with myself. This means everything to me as it is also only now that I can appreciate my achievements. Nothing I achieved before really fulfilled my ambitions as it was an escape from the reality I have now found. My outward success was already there, I just had to accept myself inwardly to appreciate it.

I can safely say that I am the happiest and most solid I have ever been and I am so pleased that “this”, what seemed to be a curse at first, turned out to be a blessing. To accept this gift, to have the wisdom, the peace and joys of an over 50 year old person, experiencing femininity with the freshness and inquisitiveness of a young woman.

Reading through the various transition and success stories of other women leaves me awestruck but also gives me a feeling of humbleness and to some extent envy.

At my age I am yet a mere beginner as I burst into the full-time world about three years ago.

I started hormone therapy at the same time and had my SRS (or rebirth as I think of it) almost a year after that. Now, almost 3 years have passed and I am completely finished with the whole grueling process of needle epilation but still attend voice therapy every week (this keeps my range fit enough to sing the alto part in our local choir).

I am very fortunate in having a few positive physical attributes that makes it easier to integrate into the world I had dreamed of my whole life. I am 166 cm in height (5'-5"), weigh around 64 kg (141#), and am rather slim (can fit into anything, including fashionable shoes).

I was at my voice therapy session, bouncing up and down on a rubber ball across from my therapist. She said, “Nice short skirt you are wearing”. I replied blushing, “Thanks, its probably a bit short for this exercise”. She said, “Not at all, you have the legs to wear it”. My comment was, “It must be all the football I played with the guys”. Then she blushed!

My face was always rather feminine (at least to me), a little rounded with smooth curves, which was a curse to my self image in my former life. My biggest battle is with my hair as the testosterone did its job well. Although my head is covered, my hair is a little thinner than I could want but I guess that is a little worry compared to what I could have missed out on. After many years of having my hair cut about an inch long, it took quite a few months to learn how to get the most out of styling. I had to wear a wig to work for the first four months. I was so glad to bury Fiffi! After that the children often made jokes and suggested we keep her in the back yard for a pet. The rest you can see from my photo, which is a bit formal but kept natural looking, as I never wear face make-up.

So far my doctors say that I am as fit as an athlete which may be due to my vegetarian diet, exercise and the deep breathing that I concentrate on all day long while playing the trumpet.

A doctor friend of mine, a very successful TS woman, recently gave me some very good advise on my hormone level. I had never had a thorough check of my urine over a 24-hour period. The estrogen level was good but what did show was that my cortisone from the adrenal glands was almost non-existent. Since taking hydrocortisone I am a new (or newer) person, full of energy and needing as much sleep as I had when I was a child. She also suggested I have my bone density checked. This turned out to be “optimal” as the doctors say here when it is very good. One of those funny instances happened though when the nurse came to me with a checklist in preparation and asked when I had had my last period! She grinned when I told her I had never had one.

Now for the real hard bit. When I wrote to Lynn saying I would be pleased to write something for the “Success Stories”, I had to really think again about what she wrote back to me, suggesting I write about my transition in the view of it being something positive that might help others. There are so many positive things to write about but also many heart-breaking things behind the scene that nobody who has ever been through could imagine the psychological traumas involved. I have tried to stick to the more realistic experiences, which have turned out well, but on the other hand I have to be careful here that I don’t give the impression that everything has been “a piece of cake”. I knew deep down that what was happening to me was inevitable, but the fear of facing my life long shame and the destruction of everything I had created around me, and inside me, kept me fighting to the bitter end.

I hope that what I write is in some way helpful to somebody out there because it seems that my transition was different to many others.

I mentioned in the beginning about “bursting” into my life as a woman, but it was more like an eruption that once started, engulfed my whole being. I can’t even say that I transitioned. It just happened out of my control. Looking back now, it would have been so much easier for me and everybody else in my life to have had time to plan, digest, mourn (especially for my relationship between my then wife and I), and accept the situation. Three and a half years ago I didn’t even know what a transsexual was! I basically played a game for more than 30 years, searching, experimenting, creating diversions, denying and disciplining. I turned off my dreams at around 20 years of age until they crept up on me and struck like lightning.

There are various reasons why I managed to turn my feelings off, including social class, shame, ignorance and career but for myself it was because I fell in love with a wonderful person and her femininity and I didn’t want to lose her. We live together to this day (after nearly 30 years of marriage and two children). We have always been incredibly harmonious and what one could class as “Soulmates”. My now “Partner” as we have re-defined it, is not lesbian and as far as I know, neither am I. The rules have changed in our relationship somewhat and because of our great respect for one another, we have been able to work it out. If there are such things as angels, she is about as close as you could ever get to one.

After 30 years I came to my end, totally frustrated and disillusioned with what had become of me. To myself I was never good enough, empty and lonely although I had everything anybody could want. A great wife, children, house, sincere friends, an amazing musical career, respectful colleagues and the most sort after position for any musician in Europe. Even this was not enough to avoid writing this for you to read.

It happened while I was playing the trumpet solo in “dona nobis pacem – Give us peace“ in the middle of my favorite and most spiritual piece of music, J.S. Bach’s High Mass in B minor. There, right in front of me, about 4 or 5 rows into the audience was a rather self conscious looking woman who I immediately recognized as a transgendered person. It hit me like a bolt of lightning. From that time on I became obsessed with dressing and going out, starting with a night a week, to weekends and finally during the week as well. I attended some self-help meetings, which helped me tremendously. As it so happened, the theme for the night was self defense. For years I had done a lot of judo and boxing and always kept up with weight lifting so felt pretty confident in that area. A big guy came to demonstrate how a lady should protect herself. Who did he choose to demonstrate on? He told me to give it my best so I did, and nearly broke his arm. The very first meeting acted like a lifting of fog. I felt safe there but over the next few months I became more and more obsessed with Anna. My whole character was changing, not consciously, because anything masculine became unbearable or unnatural. The problem was that the only time I didn’t feel depressed was when I was away from my family who I loved, so we decided if we were going to save anything, it was worth a try to be Anna at home with the children and work as a man. This seemed okay in theory for a while until I became continually sick, lost 15 kilos and my colleagues started asking me if I was alright.

I was walking around like an empty shell, white as a ghost in dreamland. I could no longer concentrate to practice, play or teach and just went through the actions to survive. It was not for myself I was concerned, but for my family. We were foreigners on temporary visas, had started buying a house three years before and I was the only income earner. I then started having panic attacks as soon as I walked out the front door to go to work. At this stage I started checking through my life insurance policy to see what my family would get if I committed suicide. It was time to go to my doctor, a urologist, who I could trust with my deep secret. I explained my crisis and he immediately asked, “Are you a transsexual?” I gulped and said, “Well, is that what it is, maybe”. Luckily he sent me to a very competent gender therapist at the University Clinic who eventually pronounced me “Man to Woman”. She also said, “You can no longer function as a man so you may have to imagine yourself going to work as Frau Professor if you want to remain in your position”. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry but it soon became clear that I would have to make the change if I wanted to remain alive.

By chance, this happened during a two month semester break so I had some time to pick myself up. Through the self-help group I made contact with various other women who either had professional careers (Doctor, dentist, university professor) or a family situation or both. Although everybody has different circumstances, these people acted first of all as a role model and secondly as proof that it can be done. It is only a shame that I didn’t know about Lynn and other “Successful Women” then.

I continued psychotherapy with my psychiatrist and fought all the way. I didn’t only take her word for it as I went to two more therapists whom I was hoping would come up with some wonder cure. Apart from these three I went to a GP regarding my depression who also claimed to be a psychiatrist and had treated a TS patient before. Her diagnosis was that the only difference between men and women is their clothes. There is no such thing as a transsexual, they are homosexuals trying to be feminine. That was the first and last time I visited her (I guess not all women are perfect). I needed help, not an execution, although it was probably the most valuable lesson I had learnt. That experience gave me the strength I needed to eventually realized that it didn’t matter about history or any labels that anybody else had put to it. I had to go back to the core person and find what was best for me. I was the one who had to live with it.

For months I couldn’t accept what was happening to me. It was like I was possessed, spending days in bed contemplating suicide, trying to dig deep enough inside to resist.

I then, only once, had a moment of relief, a glow of white-yellow, warm light (I am not over religious, but spiritual) and this gave me hope that I could find some peace. From then on I moved on. It was only the beginning of a process of separation and acceptance that lasted a couple of years. I must say, the panic attacks stopped and only returned as soon as I tried to pull on a pair of jeans (women’s, mind you). I gave up and until this day have not tried again.

Something that is not discussed very much outside the psychotherapy session after transitioning is the battle between the past and its associations. I had a lot of problems with this as everything inside me was changing while the surroundings (including partner and children) were the same. It kept pulling me back and forth like a magnet swinging between two poles until I managed to build on my personal experiences and practice visualization techniques similar to what I use in performance. The old image in the mirror slowly became blurred and disappeared completely.

I had two months to concentrate on my wardrobe and develop an appropriate style (then 47 years old). I have always loved and admired the more conservative, elegant look so I had picked the perfect profession. Everybody says it just suits me perfectly but the main thing is I feel good and most comfortable this way. I was also blessed with the help of my personal stylist in my partner who has great taste. Thanks to my artistic skills and years of secret observation and admiration of beautiful women, learning to do my own make-up tastefully came fairly naturally.

Being first diagnosed in January, I started hormone treatment in March. Among other changes, physically, I started developing breasts immediately. This changed my psychological world completely as I could concentrate and practice again. Luckily for me, music comes from the soul and my soul is female. For that matter, music is neutral, pure emotion and energy. The trumpet, although often thought of as a masculine instrument, can be played in a way and style that is very lyrical and mellow. People most often comment that my playing is un-trumpet-like and more like a human soprano voice.

I will never forget the feeling I had when first performing as Anna. It was in one of the largest and most beautiful churches in Germany. The priest announced me officially as “Frau” for the very first time in front of an audience. The acoustic and atmosphere was perfect and my colleague on the organ accompanied me with incredible sensitivity. I had a feeling of peacefulness, not a nerve in my body, and whether I played better than I had ever before, I cant judge but I certainly felt the music and my emotions more than I had ever before. My colleague, who had supported me since he had found out about my crisis, came to me after it and said, “the way you played now shows that it is right what as happened”.

Something similar happened almost a year later in a concert in a magnificent old monastery in Holland. I had played there just before my transition and in all fairness to my poor old self, really was not feeling all that well. After my concert as Anna, an old man came up to me and said how much he liked my playing. He then went on to say that the last concert for trumpet he had heard here was about a year ago and the man that played then was nowhere near as good as me!

After informing my employer of my intended changes, they offered their full support to me in any action I decided to take. They were kind enough to offer me a semester’s leave but I decided to face my future head on and start back in the new semester as a new person. What would I have done staying home becoming depressed, worrying about starting my teaching six months later.

I sold my musical instrument collection, which included beautiful baroque and classical instruments and financed my epilation while waiting for support from my health insurance. Germany is very tolerant in this respect and sees TS as a disability that can be covered under health care. The insurance company couldn’t believe that I didn’t know that I was TS before I signed up so they needed information from my doctor. Here is the answer that was given to them in the report that was written.

“Knowing that this was going to happen would be like knowing that you are going to be run over by a truck tomorrow”.

I wrote a letter to each of my colleagues during the semester break, informing them of the phenomena and my plans to return to work in April as Anna. I also called all of my students and asked them to come to my house so I could speak with them. I told them about my changes and gave them some information to take away and read. On leaving I told them it was the last time they would see me as a man. I have taken this direct and honest approach with most people I thought should know. My first thoughts were to go stealth but after reading about other experiences and considering my circumstances, it was not an option open to me. I was and still am too much in the public eye to be able to disappear. Professionally I take it as it comes and don’t make an issue of it. To most of the world outside of my music and teaching I am in stealth mode, but I don’t worry about concealing my past if anybody would ever ask. I am what I am. I have a different name from my partner and children to save too many questions for them in the immediate neighborhood. Even if I could have disappeared visually and geographically, I love music too much, and style and sound of trumpet playing is like a fingerprint. It wouldn’t be too long before somebody would twig. I suppose you might call what I do, “Semi-stealth”.

The day before my complete change I went to our neighbor and friend to tell her what was going to happen. After I finished explaining it to her she said, “thank God, I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer or something”. She then asked me why I felt it was important I tell her. I said “ I was hoping you hadn’t seen me the past while and in case you had, I thought it best you hear it from me first”. She hadn’t noticed me coming and going as Anna at all and neither had anybody else. Some neighbors had only asked about our visitor from Australia. As time went by I slowly let various friends and neighbors know. I came home one day, stepped out of the car and saw Heidi and Wolfgang walking on the path with their dog past my house. I took a breath and approached them and said “Hi,”. They didn’t seem to recognize me so I said in a quiet voice “its me, Jack”. Knowing I was a musician of some type, they laughed and said “Hey, great disguise. You look really convincing. Are you playing a concert?” I then said, “This is no disguise, its me!” Three years later, some neighbors have not even noticed the man of the house has disappeared. It certainly says a lot for him!

The day before I was to start my teaching, the director called to inform me he had a terrible cold and asked if I could stand in for him and conduct the orchestra. I said yes. For some of you that read this, it will seem completely ridiculous how quickly I had to throw myself into it. I agree, but I had no other choice. The feelings I had when I walked in the doors of the Music School are something I will never be able to recapture and thank Heaven for that. It was a mixture of excitement, pride and pure fear. My name had already been changed on the doors and everywhere else. My very first encounter was with a female colleague who immediately said “ You look great Anna. All we need to do now is find you a nice boyfriend”. You can read that any way you wish but I nearly fell over!

Another colleague gave this comment, and had I not known he was trying to be supportive, I could have taken it as an insult. “Well, if this is an act, you would win a hundred Academy Awards”. My comment was, “This is me, take it or leave it, with absolutely nothing to hide”.

Of course, being on the other side of the fence poses some problems from time to time, not only in the work place but also socially. I had a cup of coffee with a colleague of mine who did not know of my past. He was getting a little heavy very quickly so I used my secret weapon and told him about myself. His reaction was, “I don’t believe it”. Being as special as we are can be used to our advantage.

Finding my style and inner image just came according to what felt the best. In fact I didn’t find a thing, it found me. I became very conscious of everything masculine about myself rather than the things that were not feminine. I tell my new students, first you think you are getting worse but in fact this is a big step forward as you become aware of your weaknesses (in this case the male sex). The idea of building is not to throw everything away and start from nothing. The basic person is there, it just needs some molding while keeping the good things.

My image of myself dictated my personality and movements. Otherwise it is affected and you are not taken sincerely. This applied to my voice. I used to try and speak deeply to prove I was manly. Now, although I find it difficult physically to speak low, it would be completely wrong, like growing a beard. While training the voice, on a down day it was difficult to get it to sound the way I feel it is me. On a good day it happens automatically, when the psyche is right. These things are lessons I have learnt from my music. In music, you can hear a natural musician, how it just works without even trying too much. Others have to try harder, practice longer and harder and come close but never seem to have that natural, unaffected result. If you are a sincere person, people feel it and react to you accordingly. So many friends have commented that the old person was closed off, protected by barriers and they found it hard to connect.

A favorite book of mine by James Allen, “As a Man Thinketh” (sorry about the genderised title but it was written over 100 years ago), has some really great words of wisdom. Here is a section of a poem that strikes me most.

“Mind is the Master power that moulds and makes,
And Man is Mind, and evermore he takes
The tool of Thought, and, shaping what he wills,
Brings forth a thousand joys, a thousand ills:-
He thinks in secret, and it comes to pass:
Environment is but his looking-glass.”

By the end of the month I had conducted two concerts, appeared on Television (stealth), acquired a new birth certificate and passport. Within the first six months I had toured Europe’s most prestigious music festivals as soloist and gave my first international course on trumpet playing.

Within a year I was lying on my bed, waking up from the surgery. My first thought was “ I’m alive, the second, thank God its gone”.

The milestone for TS here seems to be being able to ride a bicycle after the operation. Somebody proudly said to me, “Oh, I rode my bicycle just shortly after the OP” then asked me, “have you yet?” My answer was, “I don’t need to, I have a car”.

My biggest successes outside of the inner success is having maintained a caring relationship with my partner and my children, while feeling that I am free to be the woman I am. I feel privileged to be able to give and receive unconditional love every day. Holding onto my old surroundings was one of my hardest things to accept. Like everything that happened, nobody had any problems with me, in fact it was easier for them. I had to work out where I fit into the family, especially with a pubescent boy and another approaching it. Again, luckily for me, my partner gave her amazing support and this made it easier for all of us. From the very first day the boys changed Dad to Anna and have never made a mistake since.

There are lots of situations, in intimate and in every day life that acknowledge my success but this sums it up the best. After my operation, I was talking to my 9-year-old son about how difficult it is for some transsexuals. He summed it up for me in one sentence. “But you don’t have to worry about that, you’re not a transsexual, you’re a woman”.

I wish all of you the very best in your life and enjoy it without judgment.

Ps. I have really only touched on bits and pieces and if anybody is interested in commenting or knowing more details, I would be pleased to discuss them by email.

Anna

Anna’s Email