Amy's Reflections

Copyright 2004 Amy

All rights reserved

 

 

 

 

I don't really consider myself a success, but more of a survivor - someone with strong enough will and determination to have overcome one of the world's most difficult challenges in life, and is doing just fine. If the measure of success however, is simply overcoming such a challenge and moving on to live a normal life, then I am successful.or maybe lucky, or somehow blessed, I really don't know.  What I do know is that prior to my transition I thought all of this to be inconceivable - absolutely impossible.  Not going to happen - EVER.  Ha!

Decades of powerful denial and suppression mixed with growingly intense gender dysphoria created a tightly wound psychological spring on the clock of a bomb that was destined to go off when it reached it's flashpoint...and so it did, changing my life and the life of those I loved forever.  But rather than digress into a biography, I would like to focus on what all of this has meant to me, and what I learned along the way.

I found that I had more power over my own life than I had ever imagined possible.  I experienced great losses but learned to find open doors leading to places I never could have imagined myself being able to go in a million years.  I discovered that by focusing on the positive things I had in life I was able to make my life better, feel happier and do the same for those around me.  I learned that there is no such thing as "can't" - when someone says this they usually mean they won't, or they don't know how.  I learned I can find out how to do just about anything if I set my mind to it.  I discovered that I am the architect of my own destiny - we all are.

I have no regrets other than the painfully unintentional hurt I inflicted upon others by having been unable to fight against transsexuality any longer, and not admitting or recognizing that it was there to begin with - even to myself.  I spent decades in my own internal psychological quicksand, but don't regret it because I treasure my family and former friends along with the memories of all the good times we had along the way.  (Though to the young person I would say I believe that transitioning earlier gives you a better opportunity for damage control in your life as well as a far larger blank slate to map out your life with.)  I also feel very good in knowing I did absolutely the best I possibly could have in dealing with something so challenging and hard to comprehend, let alone accept. 

Today I am a happily married woman living a rather unremarkable life with my husband in yuppie suburbia on the West Coast of the US.  I participate regularly in local ladies groups and dabble in several hobbies and projects to keep myself entertained.  I have a loving family, kids, step kids, pets, home and am well liked in the local community. Living life and enjoying life is a measure of success I suppose, though often simply the journey is the destination.

I liken my life to that of the Phoenix, having gone down in flames only to arise in another form, more powerful than ever before, with wisdom and new potential beyond measure.  Transsexuality brings something positive to everyone who experiences it - opportunity.  What you do with your opportunity will determine your destiny..seize it and do the best you can with what you have, life has a way of working out in ways you might never expect!

Amy